Touches - Chapter 1

Beth Greene wanted to be touched.

Being a virgin wasn’t something she was ashamed of. It was just a fact of life. She’d never had occasion to have sex and she had long ago made peace with the fact that she probably never would. She had thought of learning to get herself off but the idea of lying in her bunk, screwing with herself, humiliated her.

Besides, she remembered the time she went on a rough ride on Nervous Nelly and tore her hymen. Her mother had tried to take her to old Doc Newman, the only female doctor in their area, and Beth raised such a fuss at the idea of him seeing her down there that he’d had to call his wife, who worked as a midwife and had delivered both her and Maggie, and she’d come in to fully remove it.

“Don’t you be embarrassed, Sweetie. This kind of thing can happen. Consider yourself lucky, even.”

Beth hadn’t understood what that meant then and she still didn’t. Not really. Nor did she care. Her one shot at a relationship had died on a run. The other men at the prison were older, and that didn’t bother her, but she didn’t find any of them attractive.

Beth’s eyes took in the sight of the big ugly tank the Governor and his people had brought on the attack. It sat there, a hulking beast, and Beth wondered if they would ever get it moved. Nobody knew how to drive a tank.

It was the fences that were the biggest concern for Rick and the council. Hundreds of walkers had been attracted by the gunfire of the fight with the Governor that day. They’d crowded the fences in the aftermath and now it was an even harder struggle to keep the fences up.

Beth sat on the grass by the graveyard and watched as the newcomers, four people who had come with the Governor when he attacked, worked to strengthen the fences. It was because of them, coming along with the Governor, that they faced such dire circumstances now.

It was those circumstances that made Beth think about life, her future, and how she was sure she probably didn’t have one. She doubted she’d ever know the love of a man. That saddened her. It saddened her to know that the little girl, Meghan, the niece of one of the women who’d helped attack, had died before she’d gotten to live, too.

Daryl Dixon took a break from his work on the fence. She looked at the slump of his shoulders as he sat there. It wasn’t as pronounced as it had been for the past two days. He’d blamed himself for the attack, thinking it was his fault. He’d been keenly aware of how close they’d come to losing it all--how close they still were if the fences came down.

Their fight still played out in her mind. They’d said a lot after sharing too many shots of moonshine and a game of Never Have I Ever the night before. They’d cleared the air and he’d opened up to her in ways he never had with anyone else. She just wished she could figure out why he was now avoiding her.

...

Carol returned to the prison and she brought three people with her. There was an army type guy with red hair, a pretty woman by his side, and a man with a mullet. Were it not for them to help in the ensuing firefight things could have gone very differently.

“What you need is a grasp of how to reinforce the fences. You got a workshop?”

His name was Eugene and he’d taken a few men to the prison workshop and showed them how to reinforce the fences to withstand pressure from the walkers pushing from the outside. After twelve hours of work there were metal bars in place to show up the fences. It was so tight they barely rattled.

Everyone was exhausted. Night had fallen and no one had the energy to remain on their feet. Beth shuffled back to her cell, her whole body aching from a day of exertion, and collapsed in her bunk. She was surprised when she saw Daryl stop by.

“Here,” he said, tossing her a bottle of Aleve.

She quickly took two before giving him back the bottle.

“I thought you were avoiding me.”

“I was. Just came to say sorry. I never meant to treat you like crap.”

She smiled at him. “I just want us to be friends.”

He nodded. “We are. Night, Beth.”

“Night, Daryl.”

...

Two days later Beth went in search of her father and found him by the graveyard. She sat down next to him and was soon joined by Maggie.

“With all that’s been going on lately I haven’t had time to speak to you girls,” he said.

“You don’t know how scared I was too see you out there with him,” said Maggie.

“I know.”

“If Carl hadn’t made the shot that killed the Governor, and Rick hadn’t killed that tank operator and Carol hadn't come back with those new people...” said Beth.

“But they did, and the others fled, or joined us. Michonne and I are safe. We still have our home,” Hershel reassured them. “It was a close call but we made it.”

“Daddy, why do you look so sad?” Beth asked.

“You know the woman, Lily, who lost her daughter? She committed suicide. Locked herself in her cell and cut her wrists.”

Maggie didn’t look surprised which told Beth she knew of what happened.

“That man, Eugene Porter, was severely beaten by his friend Abraham for admitting he was lying about Washing and having a cure. I managed to stabilize him. He should recover.”

“All this happened last night?”

Maggie and Hershel nodded.

“And there’s Carol.”

“Oh no. What happened to her?”

“She’s the one who murdered Karen and David,” Maggie explained. “She was trying to stop the spread of the sickness.”

“Rick’s telling Tyreese now,” said Hershel. “He had banished her but now she’s being held in a cell. Now that Rick had decided to step into his old shoes he’s going to bring her before the council and try her. Tyreese will testify to what he wants done. Then we’ll give our input and make a decision.”

Beth didn’t want to sound petulant but she wondered why she was always left out of everything. She supposed it just wasn’t her place to know but she wished she could be included.

“Speak your mind,” her father said, reading her, so she did.

“I’m part of the core group, the family. I just want more responsibility than caring for Judith.”

Hershel gazed at her with a smile. “I’ll bring that up with the council.”

...

Beth couldn’t sleep again. She was in her bunk, her body humming with energy that had nothing to do with the small cup of coffee she’d had earlier. She kept thinking about sex. She kept thinking about how short life was. She kept thinking about how it would feel to have a man’s hands on her body.

With nothing better to do she decided to get up and go to the library. She understood the basic concept behind masturbation as a way to deal with sexual needs that weren’t being met by a partner but she was simply no good at it. She usually wound up frustrated because no matter what she did she just couldn’t bring about any sense of pleasure that overrode her embarrassment at the act itself.

The library would have materials, she was sure, on what to do. She knew that people brought in books, and before her banishment Carol had been beefing up the library with materials on a range of subject matters from runs she’d gone on. Maybe she’d found something that would be of help to her, even if it was a basic book on sex education.

At this time of night the library was deserted which suited her just fine. She perused the shelves and tried not to get distracted by the Young Adult and Romance sections Carol had established with a pretty good selection of books. She finally found a volume that had the advice she needed and, after making sure she was alone, she sat down between the stacks to read by the light of the candles she’d brought with her. She poured over each page, her eyes drinking in the advice, and found herself curious as well as a little aroused by the words on the page, and the illustrations.

Making sure the library was empty, once again, Beth headed over to the couch in the corner with the book in hand. It was shadowed in darkness since she left the candles on a distant reading table and she laid down, her heart thumping, her body excited at the idea of doing something so risque in a public place. Somehow that added to the thrill of her first educated attempt.

Feeling both silly and determined she straddled the padded arm of the loveseat and rested her body flat out and then used her thighs to control how much weight she settled on her core. She rolled left to right, and moved up and down, putting pressure in just the right spot, and found that it felt good but not as good as the book implied it should.

She realized a circular motion worked best for her and tried setting up a rhythm. She closed her eyes, losing herself in the motions, trying to figure out what worked for her, but the more she thought about it the more she lost her initial state of arousal. She could just imagine what she looked like, rolling around on the loveseat arm like some damn fool, trying to get herself off. She reminded herself of a male cat she’d once had that kept trying to mate with her arm while she slept. She’d finally had to have him neutered to put a stop to it.

A sigh of frustration huffed through her lips. “Come on, damn it. What’s wrong with me?”

“Beth?”

She yelped in horrified surprise and saw Daryl standing by the reading table, watching her, a curious expression on his face.

“You okay?”

Horrified, Beth couldn’t form an answer. She dropped the book from her hands and ran as fast as she could from him.

“Beth!” he called out, but she refused to stop. She couldn’t face him. God only knew how long he’d been standing there, watching her roll her pelvis against the arm of that stupid loveseat, trying, like the fool virgin she was, to bring herself to orgasm and failing miserably. What he must think of her.

Bitter tears of humiliation spilled from her eyes as she ran through the halls back to her cell. She yanked her curtain closed and wept into her pillow, grateful that he didn’t show up to ask after her.

…

She avoided Daryl like he had the sickness they’d just overcome. Every time she saw him she’d turn the other direction or become very busy doing something and thankfully he took the hint and didn’t approach her. After three days of trying to keep up with the goings on in the prison Beth began to forget her embarrassing encounter with Daryl in the prison library.

Considering that Carol had played a part in saving the prison from the Governor Rick agreed not to banish her. The council sentenced her to a year of confinement and hard labor with no visitors. No one was allowed to speak with her and she had work assigned to her that would keep her busy away from the general population. Her father kept her informed of the proceedings and told her that Carol hadn’t fought her punishment.

“Her guilt is eating away at her,” he’d said. “I could see it. So could Ty.”

As far as greater responsibilities went, Beth was assigned shifts in the guard tower and also was given places on runs when they had to go out. Michonne offered to train her in how to use knifes and Beth asked if she could look for a sword of her own on the next run she went on. Michonne would show her how to use them.

On the fourth night she decided to return to the library to try to find the book she’d dropped. She could read up on it in her cell, which was what she should have done in the first place, she realized. She checked the library, grateful there was no sign of anyone else, especially Daryl, and went to search for the book. She found it back in its proper spot and went to grab it when she heard a voice.

“Beth.”

Daryl was there, startling her out of her skin.

“Jesus, Daryl! Would you stop sneaking up on me?”

“Sorry,” he said. He looked embarrassed too and she realized she’d never stopped to consider how he felt about what happened.

“Can we talk?” he said. “I mean, we’re friends, right?”

She nodded but her face was on fire as she followed him to the chairs on the second level by the tall windows. Rain was pattering on them. Daryl lit the candles on the table and they sat there for a long while, just listening to the storm and not speaking.

“Why you run off like that?”

“Why do you think? You caught me…I shouldn’t have tried it here. It was embarrassing.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Sorry about that. I heard you talking and came over to see what was wrong and then you just ran away.”

She studied him. “Didn’t you look at the book?”

He nodded. “You were trying to figure yourself out. Maybe this ain’t the best place for it but there’s nothin’ wrong with that. Girls are more complicated than boys. We’re pretty simple to figure out.”

Beth sagged in relief and this earned her a smile from Daryl. It was small, almost unnoticeable. In fact, she wouldn’t have realized he was grinning if she didn’t know him. It looked so much like a grimace.

She wasn’t sure what else to say. She just sat there, her knees up to her chest, her fingers laced over her shins.

“You should use the flat part of your palm,” he said.

Her face felt like lava had replaced the blood in her veins and was literally burning her head off. “What?” she squeaked.

He was red in the face too. He looked down and cleared his throat. “Friends give each other advice, right?”

She nodded.

“Flat of your palm. Like this,” he said, making a motion over his crotch to demonstrate. “It’ll probably work better than the loveseat. And you should think of stuff…or somebody you like…imagine they’re...”

He suddenly stood and ran his hands over his hair, looking as though he wished the floor could open up and suck him straight into hell for talking to her about self-pleasuring.

“Well…’night.”

“Night.”

“Good luck.”

He left the room and Beth watched him go, her face still burning with embarrassment. Daryl Dixon had just given her advice on how to masturbate. She thought that if she told anyone they wouldn’t have believed her in a million years. Hell, he probably couldn’t believe he’d done it himself.

Beth hurried to her cell and closed her privacy curtain. She made sure there was no light in the room before slipping her hand down her shorts. She lay her palm flat on her vagina and began to rub in the motion Daryl had demonstrated. He was right. It was so much better than the loveseat had been. Still, as she lay there, she tried to picture herself having sex with someone.

Her biggest problem was she just couldn’t imagine what sex was like. How could she? She’d never had it before. She’d only ever seen vanilla love stories. The steamiest scenes she could think of played through her mind but it wasn’t enough. She tried picturing different men, her favorite actors and musicians, and that didn’t work either. She even tried picturing Rick, or Daryl, and she just couldn’t see it.

Frustrated at failing yet again, Beth shifted to playing with her nub, which was very sensitive, but the mood was gone and it did nothing for her. Angry almost to the point of tears, frustrated, wanting only to know what it felt like to be touched, Beth turned onto her side and just rode out the ache in her belly that she couldn’t get rid of. It began to feel like a rock and after awhile her stomach became upset.

Feeling miserable she fell asleep.

…

Beth really wanted someone to talk to besides Daryl.

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him, she did, but he was a man and it was awkward subject matter in the best of circumstances.

She was more determined than ever to find out what an orgasm felt like. She wasn’t going to find a partner anytime soon, she figured, so she would have to do the job herself. Daryl had been right. Girls were complicated. She was complicated and she was frustrating herself like crazy. She would walk the halls when she wasn’t working, her body feeling tense all over, especially in her gut. She just wanted to find relief from this nameless need she had inside of her.

It wasn’t an easy choice to make but Beth decided she’d just have to live with the frustration. Weeks passed and the new faces became familiar. Eugene Porter was a valuable member of the community, helping them to begin construction on a wall that would eventually be strong enough to replace the fences completely. She was assigned to Daryl’s team to go on a few runs for construction supplies. Trucks were brought in to haul materials raided from a local concrete supply company and Abraham was able to move the tank once the walkers were cleared out. That was an ongoing threat, the walkers. The sounds of construction brought new ones every day.

“We won’t be able to recognize this place in a few months,” Daryl said, driving through the gate that Carl had helped open with Rosita. Carl had developed a powerful crush on Rosita, and Beth thought it was sweet.

“I know. I just hope it’s safer.”

“That Eugene fella may be a liar but he knows his stuff when it comes to science.”

He parked the truck and Beth lamented giving up the air conditioning for the humid heat that blanketed the outside. The inside of the prison was uncomfortably warm, too.

“Not to embarrass you but did it work?”

She was relieved that her face didn’t feel alarmingly hot this time. Daryl was only trying to help, to be a friend, and she felt like she could open up to him since he’d opened up to her.

“No. I just…I’ve never been with anyone. I don’t have anything sexy to imagine. I’ve never even seen one, you know, one, before, in real life. It’s just pointless and…I’m gonna have to just live with it, I guess.”

He swallowed and nodded. They climbed from the truck and Beth was going to head inside to look for Judith when Daryl said, “Meet me in the library tonight at eleven. I might have some tips that’ll help.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

He shrugged. “I’ll be there. If you don’t show it’s okay.”

He hurried away to get help unloading the truck, looking horrified at the subject matter. She found that his embarrassment eased her own and she decided what the hell. Maybe he’d have some advice that would actually work, so when eleven o’clock came around Beth entered the library.

Daryl was there and he asked her to lock the door behind her. That made her frown, wondering why he’d want the door locked for a talk, but she flipped the lock and came into the room, up to the second level where they always talked. The window was cracked to let out the stagnant air in the library. A cool breeze was blowing in and she breathed in the fresh air that came through. Daryl sat on the chair watching her, giving her time to decide to sit down in the chair across from his.

When she did, he sat forward and rubbed his palms on the knees of his pants. He looked scared shitless and she thought that this subject matter was a real hurdle for him to overcome. She appreciated the effort from him more than he knew.

“Do you trust me, Beth?”

“Of course I do.”

He licked his lips and nodded. “You’re really sure? You really trust me?”

She frowned, knowing that he was going to ask something from her, so she gave the question serious consideration. Considering the kind of loyal man she knew him to be, and considering how honorable he was, Beth knew she did trust him.

“I trust you completely.”

“Okay,” he said, and took another deep breath. “Take off your clothes.”



Next